You know you've been in Taiwan too long if. . . .

 

1. You stop conjugating verbs.

2. You look both ways before crossing the sidewalk.

3. You turn left from the right lane.

4. 70 F feels cold.

5. You see three people on a motorcycle and figure there's room for two more.

6. "Squid" sounds better than "steak".

7. There are more things strapped to your motorcycle than you ever put in a car.

8. You drive on the shoulder to pass traffic.

9. The main reason you stop at a 7-11 is to buy tea eggs.

10. Firecrackers don't wake you up.

11. You can distinguish Taiwanese from Hakka.

12. Your family stops asking you when you'll be coming back.

13. Taxi drivers are considered "good drivers."

14. Beer really isn't so expensive.

15. You stop and look both ways before driving through a red light.

16. "A", "an" and "the" aren't necessary parts of speech.

17. You wear out your horn before your brakes.

18. The police call you to get information about other foreigners.

19. You know which place has the best noodles and duck meat at 3:00 a.m.

20. You speak Chinese to your foreign friends too.

21. You own a karaoke machine.

22. You leave the plastic on all new purchases.

23. Forks feel strange.

24. The shortest distance between two points involves going through an alley.

25. People don't see you for months, and when they do, they don't ask you where you've been.

26. Chinese remakes of Western songs sound better than the originals.

27. You stare at other foreigners.

28. Over half of your clothes were bought at night markets.

29. You become an expert on bug zappers: the best brands and where to get them.

30. The majority of foreigners who have been in Taiwan longer than you are buried here.

31. You know which turn signal should be on when reversing the wrong way down a one-way street.

32. You get homesick for Chinese food while away from Taiwan.

33. Praying at a temple for a winning lottery number becomes a regular thing to do.

34. Other foreigners give you a funny look when you tell them how long you've been here.

35. You can't think of any good reason to leave.

36. The Statute of Limitations has expired and you still don't go home.

37. You understand that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for "Go away and leave me alone."

38. You've spent more time on the island since 1990 than any of the Taiwanese you know.

39. Locals are surprised to find out you can't vote in the upcoming election.

40. Your pets are bilingual.

41. Pizza just doesn't taste right unless there's corn on it.

42. Your preferred parking spot is on a sidewalk (and you get upset when someone else parks there).

43. Most meaningful conversations take place in doorways or on slow-moving motorcycles.

44. Your job title has more than three words.

45. You think the service in restaurants isn't that bad.

46. You're always the first on the elevator to hit the "door close" button.

47. You start cutting off the gravel trucks.

48.You eat squid on a stick.

49.You no longer send home bizarre and humorous articles from the paper.

50. When the fashions in the stores look really hip.

51.You spend more time driving on the lines instead of in between them.

52.You read books from back to front.

53.You start to like Kaoliang brandy more than XO.

54.You think packs of dogs are cute.

55.You are back in your home country and you say "hsie hsie" instead of thank you.

56.You think that all babies have flat heads in the back.

57.You think that $3,000,000 NT for a golf club membership is a steal.

58.You drive like this all the time.

59.You think that Taiwan is really trying to protect endangered species.

60.Your pinkie nail is over one inch long.

61.You catch yourself telling a taxi driver to hurry up.

62.You hum along to the tunes in the taxi.

63.You think walking up Yangmingshan looks like fun.

64.When US $4.00 is just about right for a cup of coffee.

65.You can tell the difference between spring rain, plum rain, and the rainy season.

66.The last time you visited your mother you presented her with your business card.

67.You can tell, just by looking, which moon cake has the egg in it.

68.You feel nervous and giddy when you get around fresh air.

70. Everything you own is pirated.

71.You get used to the habit of not paying any tips while traveling.

72. You can read and write romanized Chinese in three different systems. 

73.The red light is merely suggestive to you.

74.You greet people by inspecting whatever they're carrying or telling them how fat they've gotten.

75.You can no longer tell the difference between a cracker and a cookie, or toast and bread.

76. You stop telling people about the giant cockroach you saw.

77. Metal scaffolding at construction sites seems much more dangerous than bamboo scaffolding.

78. It's been at least 18 months since you used  the word "tacky" to describe anything.

79. Your parties have an agenda, but your meetings don't.

80. Getting in an accident, you tell the ambulance driver which hospital to take you to.

81. You stumble going up a flight of steps that are all the same height. 

82. Rats are considered "wildlife."

83. You salt your fruit.

84. You don't much mind drinking beer with ice cubes in it. 

85. "Long Life Cigarettes" is not an oxymoron.

86. You wear your coat backwards when riding a scooter.

87. You make elevators go faster by boarding first and taking over the controls.

88. You're very concerned about not losing face.

89. The words "Ice Cream" never enter your head when you hear the garbage truck.

90. You don't feel comfortable using a urinal unless there's a woman mopping the floor behind you.

91. You say "Wei?" instead of "Hello?" when you pick up the phone.

 

[A compilation of the best of different lists I've seen, with a few of my own added.  Readers are welcome to send me any others they may think of.  --Eric Mader]

 

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