A Disassociated Press Report, April 29, 2003
By Eric Mader-Lin
The third of a presumed five Saddams was captured today north of
Baghdad, according to a Pentagon spokesman. Saddam number 3, also know as "high-five" Saddam, was
apprehended from a small caravan of vehicles mostly filled with elderly people
seeking refuge from the war-torn capital.
"He was disguised as an elderly lady," said the Pentagon
source. "When the ruse was
discovered he began to cry and claimed he never really wanted to be a Saddam,
but had always wanted to be a clown.
He claimed he'd been forced into serving the regime because of his
resemblance to the Iraqi leader."
Saddam number 3 was called "high-five" Saddam because of
his more outgoing physical demeanor.
He was last seen on Iraqi television cheering on Baghdad residents on
the eve of the coalition forces' entrance of the city.
If confirmed this capture would bring to three the number of
Saddams either dead or captured.
Among the two remaining Saddams are "chubby" Saddam (so-called
for his slightly thicker cheeks) and "unconvincing" Saddam, a Saddam
rarely used by the regime for anything but school openings and weddings of
mayors' daughters.
Saddams number 1 and 2 ("conference-table" Saddam and
"top" Saddam) were both killed when coalition forces bombed the
downtown Baghdad restaurant known to be frequented by all the Saddams. The restaurant served both traditional
Iraqi and European cuisine and was called Saddam's.
CIA sources now believe the original Saddam Hussein died in the
early 1990s in a violent argument with his son Uday over the conduct of the
first Gulf War. According to the
story told by several captured senior Republican Guards, Uday shot his father
in a fit of rage and then took the gun to his own head.
Three of the four remaining Uday Husseins emerged from an
underground Baghdad bunker on April 16th and surrendered to coalition
forces. The whereabouts of the
fourth Uday, also called "Polo" Uday, are still unknown.
Praising leaders of the coalition forces on Monday for the swift
progress of the war, one of the George Bushes (the one with the thinner
eyebrows and slightly more pronounced Texas drawl) said: "I have just one
thing to say to the remaining Saddams.
We won't stop until we find you.
We're gonna hunt you down, we're gonna round you up, we're gonna bring
you to justice."
Email: inthemargins03@hotmail.com
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