Twice in recent years I've been forwarded the following
sage remarks from the writer and commentator Andy Rooney. The first time I received them, back in
2003, I was sorry to see that Rooney had sunk so low as to be speaking so
crassly about American life. So
even the old 60 Minutes
essayist had joined the black shirts, I remember thinking. Unable to help myself--satire is my
second nature--I immediately took up Rooney's remarks and rewrote them, trying
to bring out their hateful logic by exaggeration. I intended to send my parody of Rooney's foolishness back to
the people who'd forwarded me the original, but never did. It would have accomplished nothing.
Then I got the same set of remarks again this January
2006. I got them through the same
Republican email grapevine. This
time, rereading them, I was a bit more skeptical. Did Rooney really go on national TV and spout this rant? Surely it had been doctored up by its
email forwarders (or doctored down rather). So I went and did some checking and found that in fact
Rooney had never said any of it, not a single line.
The truth is that someone wrote up this bigoted rant and decided to
ascribe it to Rooney. Apparently
they thought Rooney's name would give their diatribe more weight. What's happened instead is that
Rooney's been made to look like a racist hick to the tens of thousands of
Americans who've opened this forward.
So this rant has been circulating round the Internet for a
couple years now, confirming people in their racism by providing Andy Rooney's
supposed endorsement. Rooney
himself has some things to say about this, as you will see below.
I'm posting three things here:
1)
the original
"Rooney" rant that I've now received twice;
2)
my 2003 parody
of the rant--written to show where such logic leads; and
3)
Rooney's
reaction to the piece's appearance on the Internet.
* * *
1) Fwd: Rooney for President!
You gotta love
this guy!!!
Andy Rooney: "The truth, whole truth, and nothing
but the truth!" Rooney's
recent comments on 60 Minutes.
I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and
big campfires. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some
governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack
addicts for squirting out babies.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes
you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no
one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that
is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE
YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not
a phobia, it is an opinion.
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of
anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly
discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine,
Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United
Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss
White America, and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down
your door.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others
because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in
cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it
is the Law of Probability.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of
it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it
wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be
"FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack
of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As
a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to
speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can
leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I
think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you
threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the
word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I feel much safer letting a machine with no political
affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.
I don't think just because you were not born in this
country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored
bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket
store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and
risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they
could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and
open to their interpretations.
I don't hate
the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but
so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a
cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he
made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the
next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but
it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds
when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home
until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected
mouth as you serve me french fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I
know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so
how can they be "African Americans"? Besides, Africa is a
continent. I don't go around saying I am a European American because my great,
great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud
to be from America and nowhere else.
-----If you don't like this point of view, DON'T PASS ON
THIS EMAIL!!
2)
My response before learning the remarks were falsely attributed
RE: Fwd: Rooney for President!
You recently sent me Andy Rooney on "the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth." I'm returning to you a slightly exaggerated version of his
remarks. I've turned up the volume
somewhat, so that you can hear more clearly what's behind such social
commentary, or so that you can see where it leads. Do you still want such a person for your president? --E.M.
I like big
cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I know my big cars cause global
warming, but I don't care about the human future and it's my right not to
care. I'm an American and I have
rights.
I
believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental
stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for
squirting out babies. Not that
there's anything wrong with large families, mind you. One of my neighbors is an alcoholic and father of six, but
I'd never say that his wife "squirted out" babies. I'd never say it because my neighbor
happens to be white. His is a
large Irish Catholic family.
And there's nothing wrong with that!
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes
you a killer. You can kill someone
with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to
the ball game. If I want to bring
my gun into a baseball game that should be my right. If I want to build up an arsenal in my garage and store
chemical weapons in my basement that should be my right.
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not
a phobia, it is an opinion.
I also think that if you feel black people are inferior to whites, it is
not racism, but an opinion.
I have the right to have opinions and my opinions are
trenchant. We Americans must
defend our right to have opinions!!!
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of
anything except numbers. I know so
much about this because I've never been a minority myself.
The only things I can think of that are truly
discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine,
Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Supporting any of
these endeavors is just as stupid as supporting special scholarships for the
disabled. In America, many black
people couldn't get ahead because the white majority wouldn't let them enter
the work force at other than the lowest levels. Likewise disabled people often couldn't get ahead because
the facilities they needed weren't provided by universities or in the work
place. But what's all this liberal
fuss about helping minorities and disabled people overcome the barriers they
face anyway? If they can't get
ahead without special help, they don't deserve to get ahead, that's what I
think! So screw these people and
their difficulties!
I have the right NOT to be tolerant of others because they
are different, weird, or tick me off.
I especially think homosexuals and Jews are weird, and I have the right
NOT to be tolerant of them if I want.
This is not racism or any kind of phobia or pathology. No, these are my opinions, and I have A
RIGHT TO MY OPINIONS!!!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack
of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be
an American citizen, you should HAVE TO speak English!
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and
risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms and dominate their economies,
so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our Constitution is
a living document and open to their interpretations. No, in fact our Constitution is a dead document and
interpreting it is useless. Just
read the damn thing and everything is clear! All these political and legal studies departments are
nonsense! Why do we give these
people money?
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake,
but so is the spin on CNN and Fox News. That doesn't stop us from watching
and loving them and making our political decisions based on them. And it's our right to do so, damnit!
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he
made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next
operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the
Internet to help you.
I think it would be great for America if one or two very
powerful corporations controlled everything. I imagine three deserving individuals controlling all of
America and manipulating the media and courts with their vast resources. It's time to throw out all these
worries about monopolies!!!
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement. Political statements should be reserved for teeshirts and bumperstickers. Having an American flag tattoo on your
arm is OK though. Or a tattoo of a
crucifix. Now that's a political
statement.
I'm sick of "Political Correctness." I know
a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how
can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a
continent. I don't go around
saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great,
great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and
nowhere else. All those Irish
Americans who march on St. Patrick's Day are pushing things too far. They should forget about their supposed
ethnicity and just be Americans like everyone else.
If you don't like my point of view--DON'T PASS ON THIS
EMAIL!! I'm outspoken, I'm smart,
and I'm loved by millions of smart people like me. You should all be good Americans like me and just say what
you think without thinking about it.
Whatever crass or biased nonsense comes into your head--just shout it
out! It's your right, after
all. You're American!!
Listen-- When the Founding Fathers insisted on our right to
freedom of speech, they never expected us to THINK ABOUT what we said. They just wanted us to say whatever
happened to be on our minds. And
what's on my mind is all these annoying minorities and homosexuals that make me
nervous. And it is my sacred right
to speak against them!!
People with piercings are weird.
People in wheelchairs--if they can't get up stairways, that's their
problem! Why do we need to build
ramps for them, huh? And why
should we accept Jews, niggers and queers and in our neighborhoods and
schools? Why should we, huh? We don't have to, America!!! Just say it!!! Just yell out your bigotry and the
world will become as you want it to be!!!
3) Andy Rooney's
response to the original text
Rooney addressed the issue in 2003, saying:
About a year ago, I became aware of a . . . serious theft of my name and it is so hurtful to my reputation that it calls for legal action against the thief. Hundreds of people have written asking if I really wrote the 20 detestable remarks made under my name that have had such wide circulation on the Internet.
Some of the remarks, which I will not repeat here, are viciously racist and the spirit of the whole thing is nasty, mean and totally inconsistent with my philosophy of life. It is apparent that the list of comments has been read by hundreds of thousands of Americans, many of whom must believe that it accurately represents opinions of mine that I don't dare express in my column or on television. It is seriously damaging to my reputation.
Mr. Rooney disclaimed the piece again in his 60 Minutes segment of 23 October 2005, saying of it:
There's a collection
of racist and sexist remarks on the Internet under a picture of me with the
caption 'ANDY ROONEY SAID ON 60 MINUTES.' If I could find the person who did
write it using my name I would sue him.
* * *
Would it do any good, I wonder, to send these disclaimers
from Andy Rooney back to the enthusiastic people--"You gotta love this
guy!!"--who originally forwarded the piece to me? Would they, for example, then send the
truth about this text back up the Republican email grapevine, back to where
they got it from? I'm guessing
they would not. I know this crowd
pretty well when it comes to how they do political discourse. Facts don't matter much. If they're disproven on one subject or
found to be speaking against the facts, they will just start to talk about
Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Or
about Clinton and how he had a chance to kill bin Laden but didn't take
it. There will be no getting them
to say anything along the lines of, "Oh, I guess I got that one
wrong." In this their
president is really just like them.
E.M.
Email: inthemargins03@hotmail.com
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