Predictions for 2006

At the Disassociated Press

I know it's kind of late for this, the year has already started and all, but I'd temporarily misplaced my crystal ball. Now that I've got it safely here in front of me again, I can get back to business. Peering in at the prescribed angle, the following is what I see for 2006. --E.M.

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Colin Powell will come out of the closet, admitting in a TV interview that his long loyalty to the Bush Administration was merely the result of an unrequited love for Dick Cheney.

"He knew how I felt," Powell will say. "He deceived me. But still he kept stringing me along, afraid that if I left I'd reveal all I knew. I see now that he never really loved me."

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A congressional investigation of the legality of the president's domestic spying program will be cut short by a mysterious spate of anthrax attacks, upon which the Bush Administration will declare a "National Terrorist State of Emergency." The Constitution will be suspended "until further notice" and Bush will be declared "Regent of the Realm" and "Protector of Democracy," with the "God-given right" to pass his title onto any heir or relative pending approval by His Majesty's Cabinet. This hereditary aspect of the Regency will be defended as part of a needed "return to family values."

Americans angered by low-cut jeans and nervous about gay rights will praise the Bush Regency in an ongoing series of Fox News interviews--"We report, you decide."

Perpetrators of the initial anthrax attacks won't be caught, although the anthrax strain will be identified as having come from a U.S. military lab, story reported page 17 of the "overly liberal" New York Times.

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Seventy-four tropical storms will batter the southern U.S., sparing Miami but sinking much of the rest of the region. The religious right will blame homosexuals and followers of Santeria. Pogroms break out. Southern Baptists, in a great northward "Exodus march" to higher ground in the Rockies, will come into conflict with resident Mormons. Turf battles will escalate into wider conflict toward year's end. Ski resorts closed due to religious wars and/or lack of snow.

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Palms begin sprouting in Maine, desertification noted in Minnesota, alligators seen competing with polar bears for remaining seals in Arctic Circle.

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Madonna will declare herself the Messiah and will establish a compound of believers in New Mexico. Larry King and Deepak Chopra among avid early supporters.

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In an escalation of the War on Christmas, Latin American leftist leaders will launch "Red Santa" campaign. U.S. malls and public venues will be infiltrated by Santa look-alikes whispering a subversive socialist doctrine into the ears of innocent American children. Substantial candy and toy handouts will be found to have been funded by Venezuelan oil profits. There will also be a popular Christmas DVD featuring Che Guevara and Hugo Chavez as humanitarian elves making toys for needy American children. The good elves are pursued from village to village by black-clad corporate spooks, but even on the run still manage to make the best toys from materials that come to hand.

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