A Disassociated Press Report, May 27, 2005, Guantanamo,
Cuba
By Al Alonzo
After a thorough investigation, the Army announced today it
was issuing special Koran Protective Packs (KPP) to all prisoners at its
Guantanamo base.
"The KPP should make it transparently clear to the
International Red Cross ("sunvabitches" the representative was heard
to mutter under his breath) that all measures possible are being taken to
assure complete respect for religion at all army bases."
Even if a prisoner is thrown violently against a wall or
collapses on the floor after the maximum permitted 36-hour interrogation, the
Koran will not physically touch the floor, thanks to the KPP's extra sturdy
propylopropane case. Should interrogators be forced to strangle the
prisoner under interrogation, their hands cannot touch or damage the Koran
which remains securely attached to the throat inside its KPP by means of a
leather dog collar with studs.
Furthermore, the thick plastic casing will ensure that,
even if a very large Marine takes a dump on top of a detainee's head, no feces
will actually come into contact with the sacred texts, nor will any water enter
the Koran pack if the prisoner's head needs to be washed off in the toilet.
"Gentlemen," said Capt. Irving Dorkman, "in
my three years of duty at this base, not a single Koran has drowned in a
toilet, even though I have personally held down seven of our nastiest little
hadjis until they sputtered and begged for a little Babo."
"As a matter of fact," one off-duty interrogator
was heard to remark, "we can pour lighter fluid over one of those little
rugheads and serve up detainee flambee without ever igniting the Koran
itself."
We have been able to determine that, even during the most
intensive Scorpions' Prowl interrogations, reserved for ghost detainees of
special interest, no scorpions are ever known to have entered the KPPs, at
least not while the detainee was being processed.
The Waco plant of Halliburton Kellogg Root announced plans
to immediately begin manufacture of another 100,000 KPPs for use in Iraq and
Afghanistan, thanks to their stellar service in Guantanamo.
Email: inthemargins03@hotmail.com
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