VLAD IN TAIPEI

[The following tale is probably the most successful to come from Golden Thread classes. As it is quite long, reading it online is not the best. If possible, print this tale and read it on paper. For more information on how the tale was written, see the Afterword.]

We thought he was our friend, but he was really a vampire.

It all started when Vlad Teppich saw a travel brochure for Taiwan. He was tired of Europe, and he wanted to escape. He thought Taiwan looked beautiful, so he called the Taipei Hilton.

A man with a Chinese accent answered the phone. "Taipei Hilton. May I help you?"

"I would like to reserve a room," said Vlad.

"What date will you be coming?" asked the man.

"I need a room for December 14th."

"And how many nights will you be staying?"

"I don't know," said Vlad.

"Okay. How many people will be with you?"

"There will be two of us."

"Do you want a room with two double beds or one Queen-sized bed?" asked the man.

"Two double beds please. I also need a coffin in my room."

"I'm sorry," said the man. "Did you say a coffin?"

"Yes, a coffin please. One coffin."

There was a long pause on the line. Finally the man asked: "Why do you need a coffin?"

"Because I want to put a lot of things in it," said Vlad.

"But our hotel has closets. You may put your goods in the closet. Not in the coffin!"

"Alright, I will bring my own coffin then! What kind of restaurants do you have near your hotel?"

"There is a Chinese restaurant, a Japanese restaurant, and a French restaurant."

"Do you have a blood restaurant near the hotel?" Vlad asked.

"A blood restaurant? Did you say blood restaurant?"

"Yes."

"Sir, I'm sorry, but I don't think there is a blood restaurant in Taipei!"

"No blood restaurants? That's too bad."

"Let me tell you about our hotel, sir. We have the largest indoor swimming pool in Taipei, open 7:00 am to 10:00 pm seven days a week."

"I hate swimming," said Vlad. "People stare at my white skin."

"Okay… I'm sorry to hear that, sir. We also have a gym. The gym's hours are--"

"Do you have blood skating?" interrupted Vlad.

Again there was a pause on the line. "No," said the man, "I'm sorry, but we don't have blood skating."

"Can I bring my bats?" asked Vlad.

"Bats? You want to bring bats?" asked the man. "I never talked with such an interesting person! Yes, you can bring them if you want. But if you want to bring bats, there will be an extra pet charge of 500 NT per night."

"That's no problem. I'm very rich."

"Fine. May I have your name, Sir?"

"My last name is Teppich--T - E - P - P - I - C - H. And my first name is Vlad."

"Okay. How will you be paying for the room: with cash or credit card?"

"I will pay with gold," said Vlad. "Gold coins."

"Okay, sir. We will see you on December 14th."

"Goodbye."

[Chapter I by Alice, Grace, Eric.]

II.

Vlad was drinking Cognac in a dark bar in Taipei. He was restless. He watched a school of little red fish flick back and forth in the aquarium above the bar. He had only been in Taipei for three hours or so. Suddenly he felt a hand come down on his shoulder.

"Is that you, Vlad?"

Slowly he turned around and saw standing behind him a vampire friend of his, Yukio. He first met Yukio when they were both university students in Europe. Vlad didn't know Yukio was in Taiwan.

"What a surprise!" said Yukio. "What are you doing in Taipei?"

"I decided to move to Taiwan," said Vlad.

"It's a small world!" said Yukio. "Isn't it? I am happy to see you here. But what about your castle?"

"I sold it," replied Vlad. "I decided to move to Taiwan in September, and I sold my castle. I’m tired of living in Europe. The blood there is too old."

"I hope you will be happier here, Vlad. But your castle: when did you start trying to sell your castle?"

"I will tell you the truth," said Vlad. "I started trying to sell my castle in the 16th century, and I finally sold it last Wednesday. I’m lucky I found someone to buy it before I moved here."

"Who bought your castle finally?" asked Yukio.

"A strange man of science bought it," said Vlad.

"I see. Hmm. You are lucky you sold it. But how did you get here? Did you fly with an airline?"

"I flew here myself," said Vlad.

"When I first wanted to fly to Europe, I also flew myself. But I'm too old for that now. It's too far."

"How old are you?" asked Vlad.

"I'm 639," said Yukio. "And you?"

"I'm 422," replied Vlad.

"How long did it take you to fly here?" asked Yukio.

"It only took me one minute," said Vlad.

"That's pretty fast. But what about your things? Didn't you bring your things with you?"

"I packed my things in November, and I sent them by ship. They are already here," replied Vlad.

"What did you pack?" asked Yukio.

"I packed some blood in bottles. I packed my clothes in a suitcase. I packed my coffin in a very large box. And I put my bats in a cage."

"You sent your bats here too?"

"I took my bats to the post office, but they wouldn't let me send them. So I put them in my brother's house. I gave them my picture and I have pictures of all of them in my hotel room."

"Is that all you brought to Taiwan?" asked Yukio.

"No," said Vlad. "I also brought my false teeth. But I carried my false teeth with me on the flight."

"Where are you staying?" asked Yukio.

"I'm staying at the Taipei Hilton. Listen, Yukio. Do you like to watch NBA basketball games?"

"Yes, I love them," said Yukio.

"Do you like Jordan?" asked Vlad.

"Jordan is great!"

"Can I watch NBA basketball at your house with you? They don't have it on the TV at the Hilton."

"Sure," said Yukio. "I'll invite you. I'm going to a CBA basketball game tonight."

"Is CBA basketball good?" asked Vlad.

"No, it's not very good," replied Yukio. "But I have two tickets, and you can go with me."

"Sure!" said Vlad. "Let's go."

Vlad paid for his Cognac, and the two vampires left the bar together.

[Chapter II by Alice, Kurt, Annie, Grace.]

III.

Vlad and Yukio were eating ice desserts together at the night market. Vlad thought the desserts looked disgusting, but he decided to try one anyway. Vlad chose the Taro Ice, and Yukio had the Red Bean.

"Red Bean is my favorite," said Yukio. "You should try it some time."

Vlad shrugged his shoulders and took another bite of the chewy taro. He was in a bad mood that night. He had been in Taipei for two weeks now, and he had only found three good victims.

"I'm thinking about finding a job," he said to Yukio.

"A job?" replied Yukio in surprise. "You have millions in the bank! Why do you want a job?"

"I need to meet more suitable victims," answered Vlad. "I think a job will put me close to more people. But I've never had a job in my life, and I don't know what kind of job to get."

Yukio frowned. It was obvious he didn't like Vlad's idea.

"Will you listen to the advice of an experienced vampire?" he asked, sliding his bowl of ice to the side.

"Of course," said Vlad.

"A vampire should never have a job," said Yukio. "It never works."

"But why?" asked Vlad.

"I will give you some examples," replied Yukio. "But first, what kind of job do you want?"

"Well, I always liked fine food. I thought I might be a cook in a European restaurant."

"You can never work as a cook, Vlad. You will get fired."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive," answered Yukio. "You shouldn't be a cook, because if you are a cook you might cook things people can't eat. I have a friend who worked as a cook in Rome, and he was finally fired because he made bat-wing salad and blood soup. So don't be a cook."

"Hmm, I guess you're right," said Vlad. "Maybe I should be a doctor then."

"You shouldn't be a doctor either, Vlad. If you are a doctor, you might be tempted to suck people's blood while they're in the hospital. The patients will soon tell the police about you."

"That sounds reasonable," said Vlad. "You’re probably right."

"And you shouldn't work as a police officer, because if you work as a police officer you might get in serious trouble. The other police officers can arrest you easily because you are with them at the station. They might find out you are a vampire, and you will get arrested the next day."

"I guess you're right," said Vlad.

"You shouldn't pretend to work as a missionary either, because if you go into a church you might burn your hand on a cross or a Bible. The people will see that you are a vampire, and they will throw all the crosses at you and maybe kill you."

"That sounds reasonable, Yukio. You are probably right."

"You shouldn't work in a furniture store or a store that has mirrors in it. If you do, the customers might see that you have no reflection and they will know you are a vampire and call the police. So you can't work in a furniture store."

"That sounds reasonable," said Vlad. "I have to admit it."

"You shouldn't work in a KTV, because if you work in a KTV you might sing, and then people will see your teeth."

"You are probably right, Yukio."

"You shouldn't be a dancer, because if you are a dancer you might cross your legs, and then you will see a cross. And you shouldn't work in a drugstore because if you work in a drugstore you might give the customers your bat medication by accident."

"I guess you’re right, Yukio."

"You shouldn't work in a pet store either, Vlad. You might need blood one day and then you will be tempted to bite the necks of the cute little dogs and kittens. That is very sad, Vlad, so you shouldn't do it."

"I know," said Vlad. "You’re probably right. I needed blood once when I was in France, and I bit a horse's neck. The horse died, and I was very sad about it."

"You shouldn't work in a Chinese restaurant, because if you work in a Chinese restaurant you might smell garlic and get sick. And you shouldn't work in a train station, because you might think the train looks like a coffin and then you will fall asleep. You shouldn't be a taxi driver or a basketball player or a lawyer, and I will tell you why, Vlad. If you are a--"

"Okay, Yukio! Okay!" interrupted Vlad. "I don't want to find a job. I think you are probably right. But I don't know how to find more victims here, and I don't know what to do."

The two friends sat in silence for a moment.

"I have a good idea," said Yukio finally. "You should be a student at an English language institute."

"Why do you say that?" asked Vlad.

"I think it's a good idea for you. A language school is a very good place to find victims. When I was in Japan, I found my best victims at English institutes."

"Hmm. It sounds like a good idea," said Vlad. "My English is not very good, and I might learn better English while I look for victims. And there are twenty or thirty victims in every class. Yes, I like it! Let's go look at some English schools, okay?"

"Let's go!" said Yukio.

Suddenly the two vampires changed into bats and flew up and away from the night market stand. The woman making ice desserts screamed and dropped a bowl of taro on the ground, and all the street dogs started barking at once.

[Chapter III by Felicia, Grace, Luke, Annie, Candy.]

IV.

Police Puzzled by

"Vampire Attack"

Taipei police are puzzled by what appears to be a vampire attack that took place Friday night in the downtown area. Around 10:00 p.m. Friday, residents living near the four-hundred block of Chia-Hsing St. reported hearing a woman scream, and some even reported having seen a mysterious man fleeing down the street in the dark.

When police arrived a few minutes later, a young woman was found lying on the ground behind a row of parked motorbikes. The woman, whose identity has not been revealed, is currently under observation at Taipei Adventist Hospital.

Two circumstances of the crime have led police to talk of a "vampire attack." First, the victim was found to have four small holes in her neck resembling tooth marks. Second, the doctor's report shows that when she arrived at the hospital the woman was suffering from a lack of blood.

Speaking before city government officials, Taipei's mayor called the crime a "disgusting case of perversion," and ordered police to "solve it before the pervert attacks another innocent victim."

When asked if he thought it was possible that there was a real vampire in Taipei, Mayor Chen said: "Nobody should worry about that. Of course there is no such thing as real vampires. This guy has obviously watched too many vampire movies. We will catch him."

--Susan Chow, The China

Post,

Sunday, February 16, 1997

* * *

Inspector Lin sat at his desk rubbing his eyes. He wasn't one bit happy with this mysterious new case.

"Why is it every time they have a pervert they need to catch, they call me?" he complained to Captain Hsu, who stood before his desk waiting for directions.

Captain Hsu was used to the inspector's complaints.

"But Inspector," he said, "you are the best for the job. They give you the hardest cases because they know you're the best."

"Don't flatter me!" said the Inspector. "Call in the next witness."

Captain Hsu left the office and came back with a tall woman in her forties. The woman sat down.

"Okay, Mrs. Lou," said the inspector. "You are Mrs. Lou, yes?"

"Yes, I am," said the woman.

"Okay, I only have a few questions, Mrs. Lou. First, what were you doing when you heard the scream?"

"I was folding clothes in the bedroom when I heard the scream."

"I see," said the inspector. "Did you see or hear anything else that might be of interest to us?"

"Yes, I did," said Mrs. Lou. "I went to the window and opened the blind, and I saw a black thing fly away in the dark. It looked like a very large bird, but I couldn't see it clearly."

"Hmm, that's very strange," said Inspector Chen. "Very strange. Did you see the woman who was attacked?"

"No, I didn't," replied Mrs. Lou. "She must have already fallen on the ground, and I couldn't see her from my window."

"Yes, you are probably right. That will be all, Mrs. Lou. Thank you," said the inspector. "Captain, call in the next witness."

Mrs. Lou left the office and a young man came in. Captain Hsu announced Mr. Chen.

"Okay, Mr. Chen," said Inspector Lin. "Please tell me what you were doing when you heard the scream."

"I was watching TV when I heard the scream," said Mr. Chen.

"I see. Did you see or hear anything else that might interest us?"

"Well, I didn't go to the window right away because my favorite TV show was on," admitted Mr. Chen. "And when I finally went to the window to look, all I saw was a young woman lying on the ground and a lot of people standing around."

"A lot of people?" asked Inspector Lin. "What kind of people were they?"

"Oh, there was an ambulance, and there were some police too, but mostly people who just came down to see what was going on."

"I see. So when you went to the window to look, the police were already there," said the inspector with annoyance. "And you waited so long because your favorite TV show was on."

"Yes," said Mr. Chen.

"You couldn't even get up from your favorite TV show to see what might be happening to one of your own neighbors. That is really disgusting, Mr. Chen. Disgusting! No wonder our job is so hard in this city. With people like you everywhere--"

"But my favorite show is only on once a week," pleaded Mr. Chen.

"Once a week?" asked the inspector ironically. "Once a week--you say? I'm talking about murder here! Do you hear me? Murder!"

"Inspector, I have a right to--"

"You have a right?" interrupted the inspector. "Get out of my office this minute, you dog! Out! You better hope I never see your face again!"

The inspector banged his fist on his desk and stood up as Mr. Chen left. He began rubbing his eyes again.

"Captain Hsu!" he called. "Get in here right now!"

"Yes, sir?" said the captain rushing into the room.

"Can you tell me, Captain, what a witness is?" asked the inspector.

"Of course, sir," said the captain. "A witness is a person who sees a crime."

"Very good, Captain," said the inspector. "Then why are you bringing me people like this moron Chen who only got out of his chair and looked twenty minutes after the criminal had fled? Why!"

"Well, sir--"

"Don't give me your well, sir's, Captain! I've got enough to do with these pervert cases. The least you people could do is make sure I'm questioning real witnesses in here! Do you hear me?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Call in the next witness, then. I hope for your sake he is a witness!"

Captain Hsu announced Mr. Jordan. A very tall black man came into the room.

"Please sit down, Mr. Jordan," said the inspector, pointing to a chair. "You are Michael Jordan, the basketball star, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am," said Michael Jordan.

"May I ask what you are doing here in Taiwan?"

"I came here on vacation and to promote my new logo shoes," replied Michael Jordan.

"I see. And why were you in the area where this strange crime took place?" asked the inspector.

"Well," replied Michael Jordan, "I met this kid named Kurt at the basketball court. And he wanted to play against me one-on-one, you know. And this kid Kurt is pretty good at basketball, but he's not so tall. I mean, if he jumps he can barely reach my nose. So when we started to play basketball, I whipped his butt."

"I'm sorry," said the inspector. "You 'whipped his butt'? What does that mean?"

"You know, I wiped up the court with him," said Michael Jordan.

"You 'wiped up the court with him.' Hmm. I don't understand," said Inspector Lin. "My English is--"

"I creamed him!" said Michael Jordan, gesturing with his big hands for emphasis. "I creamed the kid."

"I see," answered Inspector Lin. "You 'creamed him.' But I still don't understand what you're actually saying, Mr. Jordan."

"Well, when we started to play basketball, I won," said Michael Jordan.

"Oh, I see! You won. What you've been saying is you won. When you say you whipped his butt, or you wiped up the court with him, or you creamed him, that means you won," said the inspector.

"Yes!" said Michael Jordan. "I won. That's what I'm trying to tell you. But then Kurt started to look very sad, and I thought that maybe he was going to cry. But I didn't want him to cry, so I said, 'Hey, Kurt, why don't we go get some pizza?' But Kurt didn't want pizza. He wanted me to come to his house to play video basketball against him."

"On his computer?" asked the inspector.

"Yes! He wanted to play video basketball. So I said: 'Okay, Kurt, I'll go play video basketball with you.' And I went to his house to play. We were playing video basketball when we heard the scream."

"I see, Mr. Jordan. Did you see or hear anything else that might be of interest to us?"

"Yes, I did. I went to the window to see what was happening, and I saw a man running down the street. And then--it was very mysterious, Inspector--he hopped three times, and the third time he hopped he never came back down to the ground, and I saw something flying away in the dark."

"Are you sure you saw that, Mr. Jordan?" asked the inspector.

"Yes, I am," said Michael Jordan.

"That is really very mysterious," said the inspector, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes for a moment. "That is strange."

"I think it is too, Inspector."

"Well, I'm very happy you came in here to answer my questions, Mr. Jordan. I just want to know one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Did you whip Kurt's butt on video basketball too?"

"No," said Michael Jordan laughing. "No, I didn't, Inspector. Kurt whipped my butt!"

"I see, Mr. Jordan," said the inspector laughing. "Have a nice visit to Taiwan."

The two men shook hands, and Michael Jordan left the office.

[Chapter IV by Karen, Judy, Alice, and others.]

He was earlier than we were. When we came in the room, he was already seated. His appearance was very strange. He was a Westerner. His features were very strange too. He had white skin and he had very strong hands. He looked about fifteen years old. Finally he asked: "Teacher, may I go to the restroom?" And the teacher said: "Yes." He went out for a long, long time, and we all thought that he went home. Karen and I were saying that Vlad might have gone home. Alice told us that Vlad might be a criminal. He looked like a criminal, she thought. When he finally came back, we asked him about it. But he didn't answer. I remember that David and Lon were puzzled too: "Why did Vlad go to the restroom for so long?" Nobody knew the truth. --Annie.

He was earlier than us. When we came in the room, he was already sitting. His appearance was very strange. He was a Westerner. His features were pronounced and bony. I thought he was about fourteen years old. He was very striking and tall. His skin was very, very light. His hair was yellow and his eyes were blue. Oh! I thought he was very handsome. He wore a big black cape, a white shirt, and black pants. He wore a beautiful red bowtie too. Certainly he had delicate hands. He had beautiful, delicate hands!

He did his quiz in only ten minutes, and he got 100 on both his quiz and his homework. The teacher asked him a lot of questions, and he used English to answer all of them.

"Hello, everybody," he said. "My name is Vlad. I'm fifteen years old, and I'm from Europe. But I don't like Europe any more, so I moved to Taiwan. And I like all the people here in Taiwan. They look very good. I mean--"

"Oh, you're so handsome!" interrupted Alice. "I might be infatuated with you!"

"Why are you taller than me?" asked Kurt. "Huh? Do you play basketball every day, or do you just eat a lot?"

"Don't joke, Kurt!" said the teacher, Eric. "You aren't the tallest kid in the world, you know!"

We were all looking at Vlad. Finally Eric said: "Okay, now I have to teach you the new lesson. Hand in your quizzes."

After the lesson, we all went home.

--Grace Wu.

He was earlier than us. When we came in the room, he was already sitting. His appearance was very strange. He was a Westerner. His features were pronounced and bony. He looked about twenty years old. He had very white skin. He had black hair and black eyes. He was wearing a big black cape and he had some long and bony teeth. Between two of his teeth he had some red thing that looked like blood. He had very red lips too. Very strange. He talked very loudly and then quietly. Suddenly he said:

"I'm a new student. My name is Vlad."

Then he said: "I think this school has some red thing that I can suck."

After that, all the classmates were very tense. Some classmates thought: What's that red thing mean? Does that mean blood? Finally some of us asked him:

"What does red thing mean? And why are you studying here? You are a Westerner!"

"But I speak Japanese," replied Vlad. "I want to learn English. Red thing means blood."

"What!"

After class, we all went home very quickly. I thought maybe we should call the police.