[This tale is in many ways a continuation
of the earlier vampire tale Vlad in Taipei. It was written by a different group of students,
beginning nearly a year after the first tale was completed.]
It must have been around ten months ago now
that I proposed original literary production to my Friday class, the class
known as Class 901.
"How would you like to write a story
together?" I asked them.
They looked at each other silently.
"A story?" Peggy said.
"I give you homework assignments
every week, right?"
"Y-y-yess," a couple of them
replied tentatively.
"But I think our homework can be more
interesting, don't you? Now the
homework is too boring. Do you
think the homework is boring, Robert?"
"Yes, I think the homework is
boring," Robert said.
"Well I want the homework in here to
be more interesting. I think we
can write a book together."
"We can't write a book!"
Jonathan said.
"I think we can," I
replied. "I know we can. I want us to write a story about
Steven. Do you want to?"
To this there was no response at all. Steven was a character I'd come up with
to help with grammar exercises.
Round-faced, American, freckled, he was always the exemplum of
self-satisfied idiocy. I'd draw
him quickly on the board, and the students would have to tell me how he'd
respond to various questions or situations.
"The story will be called Life of
Steven," I said, writing the title on the board. "That's the name of the
story. Do you think it will be
fun?"
They shot nervous glances at each
other. They beamed at me a dull
look of growing suspicion.
"Nick, do you think it will be fun to
write about Steven?"
"No, I do not think it will be fun to
write about Steven," Nick replied in a monotone, acting as spokesman for
the group. "I think it will
be very boring!"
"Okay, then--we can write about you,
Nick. We can call the story Life
of Nick." I wrote the
title on the board under the other title.
"Will that be more interesting?"
There was no response. Nick glared at me quizzically.
"What do you think, Nick? Is your life more interesting than
Steven's?"
"No," Nick said. "My life is TOO boring."
"Well, then. The story will be Life of Steven. What do you think, Jonathan? Do you think it will be fun to write
about Steven?"
"No, I think it will be very very
very boring," said Jonathan decisively. "And we can't write a book anyway. Writing a book is too hard."
"Ariel, what do you think?"
"MmmmmÉ I don't know if it will be boring."
"Peggy, what do you think? Will it be fun to write about
Steven?"
"No, I don't think it will be
fun," Peggy said, looking down at her desk.
"Et tu, Peggy?" I asked.
"What?" she said, looking up.
"I am the teacher here, and I think
you will have fun writing a story about Steven. Right, Lillian?
You will have fun."
"UhhhhÉ" Lillian says.
"Okay. Everyone together.
Repeat: We will have fun writing about Steven!"
"Nooo!" they finally cried in
unison, thumping their desks.
"We don't want! We
have enough homework already!"
"Writing a story will be too
hard!" Ann whined.
"Yes, it will be hard, you're right,
but it will be very interesting," I said. "Here is what I want you to do for next week."
"Nooo! We don't want!
Nooo! Boo gong ping!"
Hello, my name is Nick. I'm a student in here in Taipei, on the
island of Taiwan. Recently, a new
boy joined my class at school. He
is American. His family moved to
Taiwan, and he is going to a school here to learn Chinese. He's a very interesting boy, and I want
to tell you about him. His name is
Steven. I remember the first time
I met him. We were in the hallway
at our school.
"I'm interested in UFOs," I
said. "Do you like
UFOs?"
"Yes," Steven said, "I
think they are great. Especially
the new ones. Some of them are
really cool."
"Huh? What do you mean 'the new ones'?" I asked. "Have you ever seen a UFO?"
"Sure I have seen a UFO," he
said. "I have seen UFOs many
times. The new ones are better
than the old ones. The new ones
are faster, and they have better video games in them."
"UFOs have video games in them?" I asked.
"Sure!" Steven said. "What do you think the aliens do
when they are flying through space?"
"I don't know," I said. "I've never seen an alien. Have you ever seen an alien?"
"Yes, I have met aliens many
times. One of my friends is an
alien. His name is Rodomach. He has great video games in his
UFO."
"Wow! Have you really flown in his UFO, Steven?"
"Yes, I have," Steven said. "I have flown in it many
times."
"That sounds great! Have you ever gone to the moon with
him?" I asked.
"Of course I've gone to the
moon."
"Really?"
"Sure. Why not?
Haven't you?"
"No, I've never gone to the
moon. How was it up there?"
"The moon was very boring. I didn't like it very much. Everything was white, and there were
rocks everywhere."
"You said you came from Florida. Is that right, Steven?"
"Yes."
"Have you seen alligators
there?"
"Yes, I have seen alligators. There are alligators everywhere in
Florida. We hunt them with guns."
"Is that true?"
"Yes, it is. I have eaten alligator meat many
times. It's like chicken."
"I see," I said. "That's very interesting. What other strange things have you
eaten?"
"I have eaten a door, and I have
eaten Japanese sushi, too. I have
eaten old bicycles, and pencils from girls' pencil boxes, and I have eaten
sharks and cameras."
"Hmm.
That's very interesting.
Have you ever worn lipstick, Steven?"
"Oh, yes. Why not? I have
worn lipstick and eye makeup and samurai helmets and police uniforms too. I have worn many things. I have eaten lipstick, too. It's like red ice cream, but it's not
cold."
"Well.... This is all very strange, I think."
"Why?"
"I have never talked to a boy who has
eaten so many strange things."
"Well, why not? People should try new things in
life. Don't you think?"
"Hmm. I don't know.
Do you like Taipei, Steven?"
"Yes, I think it's alright."
"How long have you been here?"
"I have only been in Taipei for two
weeks."
"That's not very long. What have you done since you
came?"
"Oh, I've done many things. I've been very busy in Taipei."
"With what?"
"Well, I've already seen the Palace
Museum and the zoo. I've already
eaten 4,000 bowls of rice. I've
married three girls, I've changed cell phones twenty-two times, I've bought
seven Benzes (six of them black and one of them red), and I've been to Sogo B1,
where I ate some disgusting thing with eggs and oysters."
"Wow! You really have been busy, Steven!"
"Yes, I have. I've been very busy. And President Lee wants to have lunch with
me every day. It's very
tiring."
"You've had lunch with the
president?"
"Yes, I have. I've had lunch with him fourteen times
now. He's kind of old, but he's a
nice man. Having lunch with him is
a good way for me to practice my Chinese."
"Do you speak Chinese, Steven?"
"Yes, I started studying Chinese two
weeks ago, and I've learned it pretty well. But I still have to learn seven or eight characters."
"You can read Chinese too?"
"Of course I can. I've already written three novels in
Chinese. I wrote one last week,
and two this week."
"Great! So now we can speak Chinese together."
"Sure. Why not?"
"So let me ask you some questions in
Chinese, okay?"
"Well... Not right now."
"But why not?"
"I don't
really feel like it now."
"Okay, maybe next time."
"I have to go now," Steven
said. "I have a very
important meeting with some generals."
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes. Goodbye."
And Steven walked away.
Chapter 2
Hello, my name is Lillian. I'm an elementary school student in
Taipei. I have a lot of homework,
and sometimes it is too much.
School can be very tiring for us Taiwanese kids, especially math. And my math class is very strange. There are some very strange students in
that class. The teacher, Miss
Liao, is sometimes angry with them.
Today many students were late for class.
"Where are they?" Miss Liao
said. "Why are so many
students late today?"
Miss Liao looked very angry, so we didn't
say anything to answer her. Then
suddenly Ariel ran in the door.
Her hair was messy.
"You're late, Ariel!" said Miss
Liao.
"I'm sorry I'm late, teacher,"
said Ariel. "But it's not my
fault."
"What do you mean it's not your
fault?" asked Miss Liao. "Whose fault is it?"
"I was coming to school, and I saw a
vampire. He saw I was very fat,
and he thought my blood was probably sweet, so he grabbed me and took me to his
castle in France."
"Really, Ariel? That sounds to me like a pretty ridiculous
story. I think you are lying to
me. If a vampire took you to
France, why are you here?"
"Because I came back by plane,"
Ariel said.
"I see. And what did that vampire do to you in the castle?"
"He hit me, and he wanted to eat me."
Miss Liao looked at the other
students. I could see she didn't
believe Ariel.
"You claim you were in a
castle," she said to Ariel.
"So tell me, what was it like inside?"
"I saw many skeletons, and many bats. Also, there was blood all over on the
floor. I was very afraid. But then Batman came and saved
me."
"Batman?"
"Yes. I guess he heard my S.O.S. He came and took me out of the castle. Then I flew back here."
"Go to your seat, Ariel. I have never heard such a ridiculous
story in my life! You are
lying." [written
by Ariel]
Miss Liao was very angry. But then the boy Jonathan came into the
classroom. He said, "Hi, everybody!"
"Jonathan!" said Miss Liao. "You are very late! What is wrong with you?"
"I'm sorry I'm late, teacher. But you shouldn't blame me."
"Why not?"
"While I was walking to school, I saw
Mickey Mouse in a tree. He took my
clothes and started to eat them."
"What!" said Miss Liao. "Mickey Mouse took your clothes? The Mickey Mouse from Disney?"
"Yes," Jonathan said.
"That is ridiculous, Jonathan. You are lying! Why was Mickey Mouse in Taipei?"
"Because, Miss Liao, Disneyland moved
to Taipei, and Mickey Mouse--he wanted to run away from Disneyland."
"Is this true?"
"Yes."
"But if Mickey Mouse took your
clothes, Jonathan, why do you have clothes on now?"
"I fought with him and took my
clothes back."
"But how could you get up in the tree
to fight with him?"
"An angel pulled me up the
tree."
"An angel? I just don't believe this, Jonathan! Why was the angel there?"
"Because she is my girlfriend."
"But how did you get down from the
tree?"
"A big monster came and ate the
tree. So then the tree was very
short. It was easy to get down
then."
"A monster? Why did the monster come?"
"Because he's my pet. I called him to help me."
"You have a pet monster?"
"Yes."
"But why are your clothes so tidy now
if Mickey Mouse was chewing on them?
Tell me that."
"I bought some new clothes."
"Where did you get the money?"
"I used a gun."
"This is ridiculous! All of it! Go to your seat right now, Jonathan. If you want to make excuses to me, you
should have better stories than this!
What you are saying is just nonsense!" [written by Lillian]
Then Nick came in the room.
"Nick, you are very late! You are even later than Jonathan."
"I'm sorry I'm late, teacher, but
it's not my fault."
"Yes, I know. That is what all the students here are
saying. Why are you late?"
"I was coming to school, and I saw
Mark. He was holding a knife
toward me."
"A knife?"
"Yes, he wanted to kill me. He stabbed me with the knife and killed
me."
"He...?"
"He killed me, Miss Liao."
"I'm sorry, Nick, but I don't believe
you. Not at all. If he killed you, why are you still
alive?"
"Because I had a gun, and I killed
him first."
"That is nonsense, Nick. It is not true. Why were you carrying a gun to
school?"
"Because I thought Mark would try to
kill me today. So I carried a
gun. You should blame Mark. It's not my fault."
"Alright, Nick, sit down! You are lying too. Nobody would believe you can go to
school after someone kills you. It
is impossible."
"But it's not my fault,
teacher." [written by Nick]
"Sit down before I hit you!"
yelled Miss Liao.
Then Robert came into the room.
"Robert, you're late!" said Miss
Liao.
"I'm sorry," said Robert. "But it's not my fault."
"Tell me what happened, Robert. Why are you so late?"
"I was coming to school, and I saw a
UFO. The alien wanted to kiss
me."
"An alien? But why would an alien want to kiss you?"
"Because I am very handsome,"
said Robert. "Don't you
think?"
"Hmm. But if the alien kissed you, why should that make you
late?"
"Because the alien's lipstick was so
disgusting that I had to go home and wash it off my face. It was very disgusting, teacher. I had to wash it off." [written
by Robert ]
"Sit down, Robert," Miss Liao
said. She snapped her ruler on the
desk. "I think this class is crazy!"
Suddenly Steven came into the room. Steven is the new student from
America. He waved at the class and
laughed loudly. "Hi,
everyone!" he said.
"Steven!" yelled Miss Liao. "Why are you laughing?"
"Because you all look very
funny," said Steven.
"Hah hah hah hah!"
"You are late, Steven! I want to know why you are so
late. You are even later than
these other students!"
"Well, I'm sorry I'm late, Miss Liao,
but it's not really my fault."
"Oh? And why not?
Whose fault is it?"
"I was walking to school near the
park, and Godzilla came down the street.
He grabbed me and ate me."
"Godzilla... ate you?"
"Yes," Steven said. "I was down in his belly. It was terrible, Miss Liao!"
"Do you think I believe you were
really in Godzilla's belly, Steven?"
"But it's true, teacher. There were other people in there
too. There is a small city in
there, with roads, and a small park, and a school for the kids."
"There is a school in Godzilla's
belly?"
"Yes. It's for all the kids who were eaten by Godzilla."
"That is ridiculous, Steven. There is no school in Godzilla's
belly! It's a lie!"
"It isn't a lie. It's really true. The people in the city are not very
happy because the air in there is not so clean. Also, the only restaurant they have is McDonald's, so people
are tired of eating the same food every day. The people in that city feel very bored, Miss Liao."
"Did they tell you that?"
"Yes, they did."
"Nonsense! It's just more nonsense!"
"Most of the kids in Godzilla's belly
are Japanese, but some of them speak English, so I could talk with them."
"This is the craziest story I have
ever heard, Steven. You know I
don't believe even one word of it.
But tell us--how did you finally get out?"
"I was playing basketball in the park
with five boys. I think Godzilla
got sick because we were playing for too long. He vomited and we all came out with the vomit."
"So he vomited," said the
teacher. "That's how you all
got out. I see, Steven. But why would Godzilla get sick just
from you playing basketball?"
"I think it's because the bouncing of
the basketball made him feel sick, so he vomited."
"Sit down right now!" yelled Miss
Liao. "Sit down! This class is full of crazy people! And you, Steven, you are the craziest
student of all!"
"Thank you, teacher," said
Steven.
Miss Liao raised her arm to hit Steven
with the ruler, but he was already in his seat.
Chapter 3
What happened to Steven? Where has he gone? When he was in our class, we all
thought he was crazy and weird.
But now that he is gone we are starting to miss him. Our class is too boring now! He has been absent for almost two weeks! How can we study math without
Steven? It is too, too
boring. Crazy Jonathan is funny
sometimes, but Steven is funnier.
I even think Steven is the funniest boy I know.
My name is Annie Lin. I'm one of the students in the
class. I don't like Steven. I mean, he's not my boyfriend. But still, I wanted to find out where
he went. I decided I had to play
detective. First, I asked
Robert. Robert was Steven's good
friend.
"I don't know," Robert
said. "For about two weeks,
he hasn't come to my house to play video games. And when I call his house, his mother always says he's not
home."
"But if his mother is home, then that
means Steven's family is still in Taiwan, right?"
"Yes," Robert said. "They didn't leave Taipei. But maybe Steven left. I don't know."
I asked the math teacher, Miss Liao. "Do you know where Steven
is?" I said. "Why hasn't
he come to class for two weeks?"
"You shouldn't worry about that,
Annie," Miss Liao said.
"That's not your business.
You should worry instead about the math test tomorrow. Have you studied for it?"
Miss Liao is crabby sometimes. I think she should find a
boyfriend. Then she won't be so
mean!
I asked Conan if he knew where Steven was.
"I don't know," Conan said. "But I saw his brother Drake at
the bus stop. Drake said Steven
will probably come back soon. But
he didn't say where Steven was."
"Steven has a brother?"
"Yes," Conan said.
"Is it an older brother or a younger
brother?" I asked.
"Drake is older," Conan
said. "He is taller than
Steven and much thinner. He
doesn't look much like Steven."
"Is he crazy like Steven?" I
asked.
"No, he isn't," Conan said. "He's quieter."
After I asked different people where
Steven was, I felt very frustrated.
Because I think there is some mystery. Some people know where Steven is, but they won't tell us!
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