LIFE OF STEVEN

[This tale is in many ways a continuation of the earlier vampire tale Vlad in Taipei. It was written by a different group of students, beginning nearly a year after the first tale was completed.]

Prologue

It must have been around ten months ago now that I proposed original literary production to my Friday class, the class known as Class 901.

"How would you like to write a story together?" I asked them.

They looked at each other silently.

"A story?" Peggy said.

"I give you homework assignments every week, right?"

"Y-y-yess," a couple of them replied tentatively.

"But I think our homework can be more interesting, don't you? Now the homework is too boring. Do you think the homework is boring, Robert?"

"Yes, I think the homework is boring," Robert said.

"Well I want the homework in here to be more interesting. I think we can write a book together."

"We can't write a book!" Jonathan said.

"I think we can," I replied. "I know we can. I want us to write a story about Steven. Do you want to?"

To this there was no response at all. Steven was a character I'd come up with to help with grammar exercises. Round-faced, American, freckled, he was always the exemplum of self-satisfied idiocy. I'd draw him quickly on the board, and the students would have to tell me how he'd respond to various questions or situations.

"The story will be called Life of Steven," I said, writing the title on the board. "That's the name of the story. Do you think it will be fun?"

They shot nervous glances at each other. They beamed at me a dull look of growing suspicion.

"Nick, do you think it will be fun to write about Steven?"

"No, I do not think it will be fun to write about Steven," Nick replied in a monotone, acting as spokesman for the group. "I think it will be very boring!"

"Okay, then--we can write about you, Nick. We can call the story Life of Nick." I wrote the title on the board under the other title. "Will that be more interesting?"

There was no response. Nick glared at me quizzically.

"What do you think, Nick? Is your life more interesting than Steven's?"

"No," Nick said. "My life is TOO boring."

"Well, then. The story will be Life of Steven. What do you think, Jonathan? Do you think it will be fun to write about Steven?"

"No, I think it will be very very very boring," said Jonathan decisively. "And we can't write a book anyway. Writing a book is too hard."

"Ariel, what do you think?"

"Mmmmm… I don't know if it will be boring."

"Peggy, what do you think? Will it be fun to write about Steven?"

"No, I don't think it will be fun," Peggy said, looking down at her desk.

"Et tu, Peggy?" I asked.

"What?" she said, looking up.

"I am the teacher here, and I think you will have fun writing a story about Steven. Right, Lillian? You will have fun."

"Uhhhh…" Lillian says.

"Okay. Everyone together. Repeat: We will have fun writing about Steven!"

"Nooo!" they finally cried in unison, thumping their desks. "We don't want! We have enough homework already!"

"Writing a story will be too hard!" Ann whined.

"Yes, it will be hard, you're right, but it will be very interesting," I said. "Here is what I want you to do for next week."

"Nooo! We don't want! Nooo! Boo gong ping!"

Book I: The New Student

Chapter 1

Hello, my name is Nick. I'm a student in here in Taipei, on the island of Taiwan. Recently, a new boy joined my class at school. He is American. His family moved to Taiwan, and he is going to a school here to learn Chinese. He's a very interesting boy, and I want to tell you about him. His name is Steven. I remember the first time I met him. We were in the hallway at our school.

"I'm interested in UFOs," I said. "Do you like UFOs?"

"Yes," Steven said, "I think they are great. Especially the new ones. Some of them are really cool."

"Huh? What do you mean 'the new ones'?" I asked. "Have you ever seen a UFO?"

"Sure I have seen a UFO," he said. "I have seen UFOs many times. The new ones are better than the old ones. The new ones are faster, and they have better video games in them."

"UFOs have video games in them?" I asked.

"Sure!" Steven said. "What do you think the aliens do when they are flying through space?"

"I don't know," I said. "I've never seen an alien. Have you ever seen an alien?"

"Yes, I have met aliens many times. One of my friends is an alien. His name is Rodomach. He has great video games in his UFO."

"Wow! Have you really flown in his UFO, Steven?"

"Yes, I have," Steven said. "I have flown in it many times."

"That sounds great! Have you ever gone to the moon with him?" I asked.

"Of course I've gone to the moon."

"Really?"

"Sure. Why not? Haven't you?"

"No, I've never gone to the moon. How was it up there?"

"The moon was very boring. I didn't like it very much. Everything was white, and there were rocks everywhere."

"You said you came from Florida. Is that right, Steven?"

"Yes."

"Have you seen alligators there?"

"Yes, I have seen alligators. There are alligators everywhere in Florida. We hunt them with guns."

"Is that true?"

"Yes, it is. I have eaten alligator meat many times. It's like chicken."

"I see," I said. "That's very interesting. What other strange things have you eaten?"

"I have eaten a door, and I have eaten Japanese sushi, too. I have eaten old bicycles, and pencils from girls' pencil boxes, and I have eaten sharks and cameras."

"Hmm. That's very interesting. Have you ever worn lipstick, Steven?"

"Oh, yes. Why not? I have worn lipstick and eye makeup and samurai helmets and police uniforms too. I have worn many things. I have eaten lipstick, too. It's like red ice cream, but it's not cold."

"Well.... This is all very strange, I think."

"Why?"

"I have never talked to a boy who has eaten so many strange things."

"Well, why not? People should try new things in life. Don't you think?"

"Hmm. I don't know. Do you like Taipei, Steven?"

"Yes, I think it's alright."

"How long have you been here?"

"I have only been in Taipei for two weeks."

"That's not very long. What have you done since you came?"

"Oh, I've done many things. I've been very busy in Taipei."

"With what?"

"Well, I've already seen the Palace Museum and the zoo. I've already eaten 4,000 bowls of rice. I've married three girls, I've changed cell phones twenty-two times, I've bought seven Benzes (six of them black and one of them red), and I've been to Sogo B1, where I ate some disgusting thing with eggs and oysters."

"Wow! You really have been busy, Steven!"

"Yes, I have. I've been very busy. And President Lee wants to have lunch with me every day. It's very tiring."

"You've had lunch with the president?"

"Yes, I have. I've had lunch with him fourteen times now. He's kind of old, but he's a nice man. Having lunch with him is a good way for me to practice my Chinese."

"Do you speak Chinese, Steven?"

"Yes, I started studying Chinese two weeks ago, and I've learned it pretty well. But I still have to learn seven or eight characters."

"You can read Chinese too?"

"Of course I can. I've already written three novels in Chinese. I wrote one last week, and two this week."

"Great! So now we can speak Chinese together."

"Sure. Why not?"

"So let me ask you some questions in Chinese, okay?"

"Well... Not right now."

"But why not?"

"I don't really feel like it now."

"Okay, maybe next time."

"I have to go now," Steven said. "I have a very important meeting with some generals."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes. Goodbye."

And Steven walked away.

Chapter 2

Hello, my name is Lillian. I'm an elementary school student in Taipei. I have a lot of homework, and sometimes it is too much. School can be very tiring for us Taiwanese kids, especially math. And my math class is very strange. There are some very strange students in that class. The teacher, Miss Liao, is sometimes angry with them. Today many students were late for class.

"Where are they?" Miss Liao said. "Why are so many students late today?"

Miss Liao looked very angry, so we didn't say anything to answer her. Then suddenly Ariel ran in the door. Her hair was messy.

"You're late, Ariel!" said Miss Liao.

"I'm sorry I'm late, teacher," said Ariel. "But it's not my fault."

"What do you mean it's not your fault?" asked Miss Liao. "Whose fault is it?"

"I was coming to school, and I saw a vampire. He saw I was very fat, and he thought my blood was probably sweet, so he grabbed me and took me to his castle in France."

"Really, Ariel? That sounds to me like a pretty ridiculous story. I think you are lying to me. If a vampire took you to France, why are you here?"

"Because I came back by plane," Ariel said.

"I see. And what did that vampire do to you in the castle?"

"He hit me, and he wanted to eat me."

Miss Liao looked at the other students. I could see she didn't believe Ariel.

"You claim you were in a castle," she said to Ariel. "So tell me, what was it like inside?"

"I saw many skeletons, and many bats. Also, there was blood all over on the floor. I was very afraid. But then Batman came and saved me."

"Batman?"

"Yes. I guess he heard my S.O.S. He came and took me out of the castle. Then I flew back here."

"Go to your seat, Ariel. I have never heard such a ridiculous story in my life! You are lying." [written by Ariel]

Miss Liao was very angry. But then the boy Jonathan came into the classroom. He said, "Hi, everybody!"

"Jonathan!" said Miss Liao. "You are very late! What is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry I'm late, teacher. But you shouldn't blame me."

"Why not?"

"While I was walking to school, I saw Mickey Mouse in a tree. He took my clothes and started to eat them."

"What!" said Miss Liao. "Mickey Mouse took your clothes? The Mickey Mouse from Disney?"

"Yes," Jonathan said.

"That is ridiculous, Jonathan. You are lying! Why was Mickey Mouse in Taipei?"

"Because, Miss Liao, Disneyland moved to Taipei, and Mickey Mouse--he wanted to run away from Disneyland."

"Is this true?"

"Yes."

"But if Mickey Mouse took your clothes, Jonathan, why do you have clothes on now?"

"I fought with him and took my clothes back."

"But how could you get up in the tree to fight with him?"

"An angel pulled me up the tree."

"An angel? I just don't believe this, Jonathan! Why was the angel there?"

"Because she is my girlfriend."

"But how did you get down from the tree?"

"A big monster came and ate the tree. So then the tree was very short. It was easy to get down then."

"A monster? Why did the monster come?"

"Because he's my pet. I called him to help me."

"You have a pet monster?"

"Yes."

"But why are your clothes so tidy now if Mickey Mouse was chewing on them? Tell me that."

"I bought some new clothes."

"Where did you get the money?"

"I used a gun."

"This is ridiculous! All of it! Go to your seat right now, Jonathan. If you want to make excuses to me, you should have better stories than this! What you are saying is just nonsense!" [written by Lillian]

Then Nick came in the room.

"Nick, you are very late! You are even later than Jonathan."

"I'm sorry I'm late, teacher, but it's not my fault."

"Yes, I know. That is what all the students here are saying. Why are you late?"

"I was coming to school, and I saw Mark. He was holding a knife toward me."

"A knife?"

"Yes, he wanted to kill me. He stabbed me with the knife and killed me."

"He...?"

"He killed me, Miss Liao."

"I'm sorry, Nick, but I don't believe you. Not at all. If he killed you, why are you still alive?"

"Because I had a gun, and I killed him first."

"That is nonsense, Nick. It is not true. Why were you carrying a gun to school?"

"Because I thought Mark would try to kill me today. So I carried a gun. You should blame Mark. It's not my fault."

"Alright, Nick, sit down! You are lying too. Nobody would believe you can go to school after someone kills you. It is impossible."

"But it's not my fault, teacher." [written by Nick]

"Sit down before I hit you!" yelled Miss Liao.

Then Robert came into the room.

"Robert, you're late!" said Miss Liao.

"I'm sorry," said Robert. "But it's not my fault."

"Tell me what happened, Robert. Why are you so late?"

"I was coming to school, and I saw a UFO. The alien wanted to kiss me."

"An alien? But why would an alien want to kiss you?"

"Because I am very handsome," said Robert. "Don't you think?"

"Hmm. But if the alien kissed you, why should that make you late?"

"Because the alien's lipstick was so disgusting that I had to go home and wash it off my face. It was very disgusting, teacher. I had to wash it off." [written by Robert ]

"Sit down, Robert," Miss Liao said. She snapped her ruler on the desk. "I think this class is crazy!"

Suddenly Steven came into the room. Steven is the new student from America. He waved at the class and laughed loudly. "Hi, everyone!" he said.

"Steven!" yelled Miss Liao. "Why are you laughing?"

"Because you all look very funny," said Steven. "Hah hah hah hah!"

"You are late, Steven! I want to know why you are so late. You are even later than these other students!"

"Well, I'm sorry I'm late, Miss Liao, but it's not really my fault."

"Oh? And why not? Whose fault is it?"

"I was walking to school near the park, and Godzilla came down the street. He grabbed me and ate me."

"Godzilla... ate you?"

"Yes," Steven said. "I was down in his belly. It was terrible, Miss Liao!"

"Do you think I believe you were really in Godzilla's belly, Steven?"

"But it's true, teacher. There were other people in there too. There is a small city in there, with roads, and a small park, and a school for the kids."

"There is a school in Godzilla's belly?"

"Yes. It's for all the kids who were eaten by Godzilla."

"That is ridiculous, Steven. There is no school in Godzilla's belly! It's a lie!"

"It isn't a lie. It's really true. The people in the city are not very happy because the air in there is not so clean. Also, the only restaurant they have is McDonald's, so people are tired of eating the same food every day. The people in that city feel very bored, Miss Liao."

"Did they tell you that?"

"Yes, they did."

"Nonsense! It's just more nonsense!"

"Most of the kids in Godzilla's belly are Japanese, but some of them speak English, so I could talk with them."

"This is the craziest story I have ever heard, Steven. You know I don't believe even one word of it. But tell us--how did you finally get out?"

"I was playing basketball in the park with five boys. I think Godzilla got sick because we were playing for too long. He vomited and we all came out with the vomit."

"So he vomited," said the teacher. "That's how you all got out. I see, Steven. But why would Godzilla get sick just from you playing basketball?"

"I think it's because the bouncing of the basketball made him feel sick, so he vomited."

"Sit down right now!" yelled Miss Liao. "Sit down! This class is full of crazy people! And you, Steven, you are the craziest student of all!"

"Thank you, teacher," said Steven.

Miss Liao raised her arm to hit Steven with the ruler, but he was already in his seat.

Chapter 3

What happened to Steven? Where has he gone? When he was in our class, we all thought he was crazy and weird. But now that he is gone we are starting to miss him. Our class is too boring now! He has been absent for almost two weeks! How can we study math without Steven? It is too, too boring. Crazy Jonathan is funny sometimes, but Steven is funnier. I even think Steven is the funniest boy I know.

My name is Annie Lin. I'm one of the students in the class. I don't like Steven. I mean, he's not my boyfriend. But still, I wanted to find out where he went. I decided I had to play detective. First, I asked Robert. Robert was Steven's good friend.

"I don't know," Robert said. "For about two weeks, he hasn't come to my house to play video games. And when I call his house, his mother always says he's not home."

"But if his mother is home, then that means Steven's family is still in Taiwan, right?"

"Yes," Robert said. "They didn't leave Taipei. But maybe Steven left. I don't know."

I asked the math teacher, Miss Liao. "Do you know where Steven is?" I said. "Why hasn't he come to class for two weeks?"

"You shouldn't worry about that, Annie," Miss Liao said. "That's not your business. You should worry instead about the math test tomorrow. Have you studied for it?"

Miss Liao is crabby sometimes. I think she should find a boyfriend. Then she won't be so mean!

I asked Conan if he knew where Steven was.

"I don't know," Conan said. "But I saw his brother Drake at the bus stop. Drake said Steven will probably come back soon. But he didn't say where Steven was."

"Steven has a brother?"

"Yes," Conan said.

"Is it an older brother or a younger brother?" I asked.

"Drake is older," Conan said. "He is taller than Steven and much thinner. He doesn't look much like Steven."

"Is he crazy like Steven?" I asked.

"No, he isn't," Conan said. "He's quieter."

After I asked different people where Steven was, I felt very frustrated. Because I think there is some mystery. Some people know where Steven is, but they won't tell us!

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