My nephew Auben, age 9, is moving from Santa Fe back to his
former home in Naples, Florida. My
mother, who also lives there in Naples, informed me of this via email. In my reply to her I pointed out
advantages and disadvantages of each place, then apparently touched a nerve by
finishing my letter with:
One unfortunate thing is that, living in
Florida, Auben is going to be under the influence of all those Florida dorks. And he's going to be going to school
with the children of Florida dorks.
This is the main thing I'd be worried about. What's going to happen to him?
Our exchange follows.
---------------
E.
The people who live in Florida are not dorks;
after all, I am not a dork. Of course, no one place has a market on the
dork population. There are a reasonable percentage of dorks
everywhere. Granted the educational level is not as high in Florida as in
places in the eastern U.S. etc., still the retired citizens in Florida are
normally very successful and highly educated people.
On
another point, I must tell you that you failed to wish me a Happy Birthday on
or near May 26th. This old girl turned 62........Ugh! At that age
you need greetings from you children because no one else seems to care
that your going down hill. I
did miss that greeting since you are so important in my life, but then what's
another year.
Back to
my gardening!
Love
M......for Mom
*
Dear Mom:
Sorry I missed your birthday. I remembered it earlier in May, then by the end of the month it had slipped my mind. I'm getting older too, you know.
As for the question of there being a lot of dorks in Florida, well, I
can't really prove my point through email, but I'm sure sociological research
would demonstrate a dork factor at least thirty percent higher than in other
states. It may be hard to find
anyone to do the research though, as it would be considered politically
incorrect. Besides which one would
have to spend a lot of time interviewing people in Florida.
Probably the most painless way to demonstrate the high dork density of
Florida would be to let Floridians themselves develop the research model. People from other places could then
just study the research proposal for scientific viability, malapropisms,
spelling errors, etc. The fact of
the proposal being written on KFC napkins may itself prove something.
But happy late birthday anyway!
Love,
Eric
*
Dear
Eric:
Thanks
for the Birthday wishes.
Florida
is dorkless, and that's final.
I just
watched the movie, "The Perfect Storm". Wow, what a
movie. One can never imagine the ravages of a stormy sea, but that movie
helps it become a reality. It was unbelievable. It was on my home
T.V. and it was scarry. I can
imagine what it looked like in a theater.
I'm off
to bed now....Nighty night!
Mom
*
Mom:
I've never seen *A Perfect Storm*. A movie I think you might like is *Hearts in Atlantis*. I know you like Anthony Hopkins, and he
is particularly Hopkinesque in that film.
So you think Florida
is dorkless. I kind of doubt
it. And as regards the other
question, that of whether or not you yourself are a dork, how can you be so
sure? In your first reply you
wrote me that Floridians are not dorks, then added:
"After all, I am not a dork."
I think many people would say that only a dork could write a sentence like this.
No, we can never be so sure of such things. Even I might be a dork and not know it (though it is highly unlikely). Sometimes when I'm walking the sidewalk and catch my reflection in a shop window the phrase will flash through my mind: "Look at that dork." It hits me before I have time to think; before I can correct myself, as it were. It's even more likely to happen if I'm wearing sunglasses.
Now people in Florida, as everyone knows, are already more or less dorks, and they go about
all the time with sunglasses on, typically with mirror sunglasses. What's more, there are shop windows everywhere there in
Naples, shop windows reflecting their images back and forth: a sort of echo
chamber of dorky images. Because
of this I submit that what you have there in Naples is a nearly infinite
multiplication of the very specter of dorkiness--a dorkiness that could beat
hands down the dorkiness of any other part of the country or indeed the
world. That you yourself walk
around in the midst of all these horrid intersecting dork-specters might
increase the dorkiness of Naples, Florida, or it might somewhat lessen it. But how can you--or indeed any of
us--be sure?
Love,
Eric
----------
Reading this whole exchange I am led to wonder: Am I a bad
son?
In any case, one thing seems pretty clear: only a dork would post an
exchange like this on the web.
But consider:
----------
NOTE: Any Floridians, dork or otherwise, who care to contest my
position on Florida's dorkiness are welcome to email me. In the spirit of open debate I'm
willing to post your comments on this page, starting below:
Letter 1, from "Lora" [just more confirmation of my
thesis]:
Eric,
I happened upon your page while doing a little research on
Elaine Pagels for a Comparative Religions class I am taking. Your
communication with her regarding her book Beyond Belief was interesting, and contributed to
formulating a paper I am getting ready to write. [See: Beyond Belief ]
Your e-mail to her
regarding the dork factor in Florida had me rolling with laughter. I live
in Florida, and I do believe that dorkiness is contagious. In fact when I
first moved here I was convinced that brain suckers lived on the
Florida/Georgia border and before you could take up residence here you had to
feed them your brain. The only thing I am concerned about is that they may
have moved farther north... I
don't think Georgia is faring all that well either.
Adieu,
Lora
Email: inthemargins03@hotmail.com
This page is at
http://www.necessaryprose.com/
---------