The New U.S. Declaration of
Independence
--inspired by the
leadership of our
current president,
George W. Bush--
We the people of the
United States, in order to form a more perfect Empire, establish our unerring
Righteousness, ensure domestic Security, promote economic Growth, and secure
the blessings of captive world markets for our Corporations, do ordain and
establish these new Principles of the Independence of the United States of
America.
* * *
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary
for one people to dissolve the political bonds and treaties that previously
connected it to the rest of the world; and when this one people must assume a
new position not merely among the world's powers, but rather above them, a
decent respect for this new transcendent Power requires that the world's
peoples submit by recognizing its true Righteousness.
We hold these truths
to be self-evident:
That Americans are endowed by their Creator with certain
unalienable Rights; that among these are cheap fuel prices and freedom from the
laws and standards that govern the world's lesser peoples. These unalienable Rights inhere in each
American because of the providential will of God, who chose Americans for his
special Providence. The history of
the latter years of the previous century is a history of repeated injuries and
usurpations of these American Rights, all having as direct object the
establishment of unacceptable limitations upon us and upon our right to use our
military and economic power as we see fit. Having long suffered such presumptuous incursions upon our
natural liberty, we choose now to make known to the world our new intentions
and demands.
We declare our independence from the United Nations. The
United Nations has proven itself to be a nefarious body of communists and
foreigners of all stripe, a polyglot nest of negotiators and appeasers that on
numerous occasions has arrogantly refused to recognize our transcendent right
to determine its decisions beforehand.
We thus hereby declare our independence from all decisions or
resolutions this body may henceforth make. Further, we command that the United Nations remove its
headquarters from our great city of New York and relocate itself to some
lesser, third-world nation like France.
We declare our independence from all international
treaties regarding human rights. In particular, we reject the
limitations imposed by the Geneva Conventions, and shall no longer be subject
to them. The Geneva Conventions
are acceptable to abide by when the security of lesser nations is threatened by
war, but when the United States itself is threatened, God's own country, such Conventions
can have no binding power. (Note:
As Americans, we necessarily find torture inhuman and abhorrent. Our principles are fixed firmly against
torture, as we find it a barbaric practice under any circumstances. That we may use torture ourselves is
irrelevant. As citizens of the
United States, we must not be judged by our actions, but by our transcendent
Principles, which were given to us directly by God, who speaks to us during
both our waking and sleeping hours.)
We declare our independence from any International
Criminal Court as might be established by the lesser nations. As
Americans, we shall under no circumstances suffer being called before any
international court for war crimes or crimes against humanity. If the legislators and people of the
world will consider rightly, they will see that it is absurd even to imagine
that Americans might be called before such an international body. After all, the idea of an American
committing a war crime is a contradiction in terms. Because we Americans are truly an extension of the
Providence of God, anything we may do in times of either war or peace can only
be Justice itself. And so it must
be judged.
We declare our independence from international laws and
standards regarding the waging of war. It has long been a tenet of
international relations that a just war may only be defensive: i.e., that any
nation attacking another that has not first attacked it shall be considered to
be undertaking an illegal war and shall thus have broken the peace. We declare our independence from this
overly pacific standard, and we declare further our support for a new Doctrine:
the Bush Administration's Doctrine of Pre-Emptive War. Under this new doctrine we reserve the
right to make war on any nation we believe may pose an eventual threat to the
United States. Any such war we may
declare shall be considered legal according to our Doctrine. The threatening state need not pose a
present threat and we need not prove that a threat is there: the burden of
proof shall be fully satisfied by our leader's assertion that there is a
threat. (Note: Although we
Americans may wage war on the basis of this new Doctrine, the governments of
the lesser nations shall not presume to call forth this Doctrine in
justification of their wars. There
are three reasons for this. First:
The inherent value of American lives, their special value in God's plan, means
that extraordinary measures are always justified in defending Americans. The bombing of a foreign city and any
civilian casualties that may result is a small price to pay if it may defend even
one American from potential harm. Second:
If the lesser nations make use of this Doctrine of Pre-Emptive War, they are
likely, in their natural irresponsibility, to abuse it. For example: it could easily happen
that some leader of some lesser nation may declare war merely for political or
economic reasons, only to gain control of some enemy nation's resources, and
not truly for purposes of self-defense.
Such a leader might then exaggerate the threat posed by the nation he
seeks to attack, thus justifying a war that might not be justified on the basis
of self-defense alone. Third: If
other nations in the world begin to invoke this Doctrine as justification for
war, it will very possibly lead to a general state of war and mayhem. For this third reason it is far safer
for the other nations if the Doctrine of Pre-Emptive War is reserved for the
use of the United States only.)
We declare our independence from all such international
treaties as may seek to remedy the problem of global warming. It is
commonly known that we as Americans, though making up only five percent of the
world's population, must every year consume twenty-five percent of the world's
oil. This consumption is natural
to us, it is our God-given right, and it will continue regardless of the weak
and nagging complaints of scientists and environmentalists. The weight of science must be judged
lacking when balanced against an inalienable God-given right. And God has given us our Consumption
habits, He has created the SUV and bequeathed it unto us as our due, He has at
every turn ensured that we should refrain from developing viable public transportation. If God established it thus, what are
men to declare it otherwise? Furthermore, the SUV remains an important part of our
domestic auto industry, and second to the will of God we Americans must heed
the dictates of our Economy. Any
infringements on our oil Consumption are thus un-American, un-Christian, and
economically unwise. We therefore
declare our independence from the environment and any changes in Consumption it
may vainly seek to dictate.
We hold these truths to be self-evident because we say
them. In this principle of
truth-telling--the self-evident truth of the things we say--we follow our President,
who likewise establishes the truth of statements on the sole basis of his
having said them. To take only one
recent example of the application of this Principle: Having exhaustively considered
the pertinent records, the recent 9-11 Commission declared there had never been
any active connection between Saddam Hussein's Iraq and Osama bin-Laden's al Qaeda. After the commission announced its
findings to the world, our president declared before news cameras: "The
reason I said there was a connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda is because there
was a connection." This is as
it should be: our president has no need of mere evidence to support his
statements. The very fact that an
American--if he is a patriotic and right-thinking American--says something is
evidence enough for its truth. And
so we repeat: We hold these truths to be self-evident because we say them.
We thus declare our Independence from all that would try
to hinder us, whether it be presumptuous foreigners or the environment, whether
it be human rights or the weight of evidence. As Americans we are independent, and shall no longer suffer
to be imposed upon.
Signed,
Myron Wanker
Rush Limburger
John Woo
Ricardo "Speedy"
Gonzales
Chub Bush
Nub Bush
Jab Bush
Hannibal Dislector Hannin
Paul Wolfwaste
Lon Cheney
Lynn Cheney
Condoleeza Reich
The Right Honorable John
Arsecraft
Ariel "the Pear"
Sharon
Leo Strauss and 72 bright
students
The Halliburton Corporation
Ronald Dumsfeld
Niccolo Machiavelli
Pat Robertson
Jesus of Nazareth [signature
offered via power of attorney by P. Robertson]
Dom Quayle
George Bush, Sr.
Barbara Bush
Jeb Bush
Nib Bush
Li'l Bush
The page Malvolio
The ranch hands Rick, Thomas,
Enrique
The ranch bartender Al
Jenna and Barbara Bush
Anheuser Bush
------
Eric Mader,
2004
Email: inthemargins03@hotmail.com
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