The New U.S. Declaration of
Independence
--inspired by the
leadership of our
current president,
George W. Bush, and
his
Administration--
We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect
Empire, establish our unerring Righteousness, insure domestic Security, promote
economic growth, and secure the blessings of captive world markets for our
Corporations, do ordain and establish these new Principles of the Independence
of the United States of America.
* * *
When in the course of human
events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds and
treaties that previously connected it to the rest of the world; and when this
one people must assume a new position not merely among the world's powers, but
rather above them, a decent respect for this new transcendent Power requires
that the world's peoples submit by recognizing its true Righteousness.
We hold these truths to be self-evident:
That Americans are endowed
by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights; that among these are cheap
fuel prices and freedom from the laws and standards that govern the world's
lesser peoples. These unalienable
Rights inhere in each American because of the providential will of God, who
chose Americans for his special Providence. The history of the latter years of
the previous century is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations of our
American Rights, all having in direct object the establishment of unacceptable
limitations upon us and upon our right to use our military and economic power
as we see fit. Having long
suffered such presumptuous incursions upon our natural liberty, we have finally
chosen to make known to the world both our new intentions and demands as well
as the reasons we have for thus raising them.
We declare our
independence from the United Nations. The United Nations has proven itself to
be a nefarious body composed of communists and foreigners of all kinds, a
polyglot nest of negotiators and appeasers that has on various occasions
arrogantly refused to recognize our transcendent right to determine its
decisions beforehand. We thus
declare our independence from all decisions or resolutions that this body may
henceforth make. Further, we
command that the United Nations remove its headquarters from our great city of
New York and relocate itself to some lesser, third-world nation like France.
We declare our
independence from all international treaties regarding human rights. In
particular, we reject the limitations imposed by the Geneva Convention, and
shall no longer be subject to them.
The Geneva Convention is an acceptable agreement to abide by when the
security of lesser nations is threatened by war, but when the United States
itself is threatened, God's own country, the Geneva Convention can have no
binding power. (Make no mistake:
we Americans find torture inhuman and abhorrent. Our principles are fixed firmly against torture, which we
find to be a barbaric practice under any circumstances. That we may use torture ourselves is
irrelevant. As citizens of the
United States of America, we must not be judged on our actions, but on our
transcendent Principles, which were given to us directly by God, who speaks to
us during both our waking and sleeping hours.)
We declare our
independence from any International Criminal Court as might be established by
the lesser nations. As Americans, we shall under no
circumstances suffer being called before any international court for war crimes
or crimes against humanity. If the
legislators and people of the world will only consider rightly, they will see
that it is absurd to even imagine that Americans might be called before such an
international body. After all, the
idea of an American committing a war crime is a contradiction in terms. Because we Americans truly sit at the
right hand of God, anything we may do in times of either war or peace can only
be Justice itself. And so it
is. The moral application of this
principle is obvious: that which would be horrendous criminality if committed
by some lesser nation is holiness and righteousness when done by our soldiers
or by our leaders in Washington.
We declare our independence
from international laws and standards regarding the waging of war. It has
long been a tenet of international relations that a just war may only be
defensive: i.e., that any nation attacking another that has not first attacked
it shall be considered to be undertaking an illegal war and shall thus have
broken the peace. We declare our
independence from this overly pacific standard, and we declare further our
support for a new Doctrine: the Bush Administration's Doctrine of Pre-Emptive
War. Under this new doctrine we
reserve the right to make war on any nation we believe may pose an eventual
threat to the United States. Any
such war we may declare shall be considered legal according to our Doctrine. The threatening state need not pose a
present threat and we need not prove that a threat is there: the burden of
proof shall be fully satisfied by our leader's assertion that there is a
threat. (Note: Although we
Americans may wage war on the basis of this new Doctrine, the governments of
the lesser nations shall not be able to call forth this Doctrine in
justification of their wars. There
are three reasons for this. First:
the inherent value of American lives, their special value in God's plan, means
that extraordinary measures are always justified in defending Americans. The bombing of a foreign city and any
civilian casualties that may result is truly a small price to pay if it may
defend even one American from potential harm. Surely the world can see the Justice of this. Second: if the lesser nations make use
of this Doctrine of Pre-Emptive War, they are likely, in their natural
irresponsibility, to abuse it. For
example: it could easily happen that some leader of some lesser nation may
declare war merely for political or economic reasons, only to gain control of
some enemy nation's resources, and not truly for purposes of self-defense. Such a leader might then exaggerate the
threat posed by the nation he seeks to attack and thus justify a war that might
not be justified on the basis of self-defense alone. Third: if other nations in the world begin to invoke this
Doctrine as a justification for war it will certainly lead to far more
wars. And for this third reason it
is far safer for the other nations if the Doctrine of Pre-Emptive War remains a
doctrine reserved for the use of the United States only.)
We declare our
independence from all such international treaties as may seek to remedy the
problem of global warming. And how might it be otherwise? For it is commonly known that we as Americans,
though making up only five percent of the world's population, must every year
consume twenty-five percent of the world's oil. This consumption is natural to us, it is our God-given
right, and it will continue regardless of the weak and nagging complaints of
scientists and environmentalists.
For what is the weight of science if you have God on your side? God has given us our Consumption
habits, He has created the SUV and bequeathed it unto us as our due, He has at
every turn ensured that America should refrain from developing a viable public
transportation system. If God has
established it thus, what are men to declare it otherwise? Furthermore, the SUV remains an
important part of our domestic auto industry, and second only to the will of
God we Americans must heed the dictates of our Economy. Any infringements on our oil
Consumption are thus un-American, un-Christian, and economically unwise. We therefore declare our independence
from the environment and any changes in Consumption it may vainly dictate.
We hold these truths to be
self-evident because we say them.
In this principle of truth-telling--namely the self-evident truth of the
things we say--we follow our leader, President George W. Bush, who likewise
establishes the truth of his statements on the solid basis of his having said
them. To take only one recent
example of the application of this Principle: Having exhaustively considered
the pertinent records, the recent 9-11 Commission declared that there had never
been any active connection between Saddam Hussein's Iraq and Osama bin-Laden's
Al Qaeda. After the commission
thus announced its findings to the world, our president declared before news
cameras: "The reason I said there was a connection between Iraq and Al
Qaeda is because there was a connection." This is as it should be: our president has no need of mere
evidence to support his statements.
The very fact that an American--if he is a patriotic and right-thinking
American--says something is evidence enough for its truth. And so we repeat: We hold these truths
to be self-evident because we say them.
We thus declare our
Independence from all that would try to hinder us, whether it be presumptuous
foreigners or the environment, whether it be human rights or the weight of
evidence. As Americans we are
independent from it all, and shall no longer suffer to be imposed upon.
Signed,
Myron
Wanker
Rush
Limburger
John
Woo
Ricardo
"Speedy" Gonzales
Chub
Bush
Nub
Bush
Jab
Bush
Hannibal
Dislector Hannin
Paul
Wolfwaste
Lon
Cheney
Lynn
Cheney
Condoleeza
Reich
The
Right Honorable John Arsecraft
Ariel
"the Pear" Sharon
Leo
Strauss and 72 bright students
The
Halliburton Corporation
Ronald
Dumsfeld
Niccolo
Machiavelli
Pat
Robertson
Jesus
of Nazareth [signature offered via power of attorney by P. Robertson]
Dom
Quayle
George
Bush, Sr.
Barbara
Bush
Jeb
Bush
Nib
Bush
Li'l
Bush
The
page Malvolio
The
ranch hands Rich, Thomas, Enrique
The
ranch bartender Al
Anheuser
Bush
Jenna Bush and sister Barbara Bush
------
Eric Mader,
2004
Email: inthemargins03@hotmail.com
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